reach out - get over self

Dissatisfaction, yearning within, realization of corrupted self, things in mind ideas I have that I wish to discuss and nobody there to listen. The elusiveness of community, belonging, loneliness – ah I don’t know – I have major issues…..it’s crazy though – this week I just wanted to hang out and share time with people and on thurs it did, praise God, and yet I long for more – i dream of heaven a place where there’s always someone to share things with – never a longing for companionship…….the seeming lack of importance – community, fellowship, belonging – how possible is the actualization of these ideals?........my spirit longs.

time is an interesting phenomenon - and the passage of something of which i had a cool word that i wanted to use to describe it and it now escapes me - so much for being cool. i wonder what it would be like to be outside of time to operate outside of it limits, and yet to a certain degree, i believe, God calls us to do this. does God reminisce? or is that something that only someone bound by time does? I song that often listen to says that "if dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts" - one thing that i think about and pick in conversations that i have with people is the ever increasing awareness of how things will pass. For instance finals, whether i study or not they will come inevitably and if i choose i will take them, and then they will be over - done. opportunity ever knocking on the door - each new second is a new opportunity - a moment in which i have choice as to how i will live. will i do this, that or the other thing? even non-choice is a choice - inescapable - and now i've lost what i was started out to talk about in the first place. i had some loose point that i wished to discuss with myself and in my heavy eyelid state i've seem to lost it. oh well. thank you.

this evening i was helping my best friend move and a situation occured where the true power of living in the spirit could have been demonstrated. it was an opportunity to truly display how the heart of jesus is different and how it changes the way one acts. and to a small degree it was displayed - but i let the opportunity for myself completely come and go - i play it now in my mind and go through a scenario of how it could have happened - i rewind it and play it a different way - all these thing that could have been done and said that i let slip - never again - i must become a better apprentice so that this never happens again. - Father continue your work.