5-3-03
Well this weekend was supposed to be the anniversary trip to my vision quest last year, but alas because of lack of planning and other meetings that I needed to attend it’s not going to happen in the fashion that I would like. It’s noon now on sat and I just got out of bed about a ½ hour ago – lazy days I guess with the rain outside – I not exactly sure why I slept so long – maybe my body is still recovering from the triathlon. Anyhow my plan for the rest of the day today is to just sit and listen to/for God voices. I think maybe it’s crazy but I feel like that I’ve been called to be an apostle or something I just look back over my life and see how I emerge as a leader most of the time – maybe I’m reading too much into it – maybe it’s that I want to be – the feeling is there though and that is why I want to listen and wait for God so that whatever I do and whatever comes next in my life is from his hand and his plan and not my own. I continually remind myself that life is lived in the small things and that I need not get caught in grand schemes all the time, but living simply and living for Christ glory and gain. I’ve written this before but my answer to the question of what do I want to do with my life is this: I want to live a life so that when I meet Christ he says – “Well done, well done good and faithful servant” That’s what I want to hear and the more emphatic he says it the better – that’s truly what I’m living for and what I believe life to be about. I miss not journaling as much as I used to and need to get in the habit again. Life’s is so full of details and richness that unless you capture in some sort of medium it will be inevitably lost. I think for now that’s all I really wanted to get out there – now I just want to sit and wait on my Father to whisper to me – quickly there are a few things that I would like him to speak about – well I guess just one really – after college……or what’s next……

It’s been about an hour and half and i’m wondering if I should be doing something – is there some way I should sit – should I even be indoors or would I be better off outdoors. Should I be saying some phrase over and over again – how exactly does one listen to/for God’s voice – this is something that I’ve struggled with a lot this last 2 years or so – I think though that I should just continue in silence and wait for him – as David in the Psalm said – I waited patiently for the Lord…….back later

Well it’s now 3:45 and i’m not sure this is really accomplishing anything – I feel like I’m just sitting here alone in the dark in silence for no reason.

It’s 8 o’clock and while I haven’t really heard anything from God I’m not so sure this time was a waste entirely. I’m just trying to get used to the way God operates he is not a human being and will not commune in a human fashion and I think today I was perhaps trying to regulate him to that medium of course maybe not. It is somewhat frustrating I think at some point I just kinda gave up on the way I was going about things so went to my room and got Renovation of the Heart and began to read it. It’s crazy to me that I spend so much reading all these books and so little time actually reading the bible. Or maybe reading these books is a way of indirectly reading the Bible – but then wouldn’t be better to just go directly to the source? I think so and I need to make more of a conscious effort to do so. I’m amazed at the speed at which my fingers will move while typing. No arguing that typing is much faster than writing. It would be even faster if I knew the keys better. So how then does God operate? And how to I make my life one of which Jesus will say “Well done son,”? Daily I think about these things and lift them up to God and I think that that is a very important starting point. I aim only to live for Christ, which when I left it, was what the book I am reading was talking about. The concept that when you really look at it the stuff that you sacrifice for the sake of discipleship isn’t really much of a sacrifice at all in fact it isn’t a sacrifice when looked at from one perspective. I mean truly if you’re setting things aside because you know if you do that you will receive better things then in my mind that is not much of a sacrifice – more like delayed reward or something like that. The thing that I’m struggling with right now is what more should I lay down, as a disciple what should my next move be – and that is really what I want to hear from God about, with graduation coming I have time now to devote to something or have an opportunity to leave this land and venture off to somewhere new and fresh to or to stay here and dig deep into some things. The question I have for God is what would he like me to do? And then again help me to see what I need to do so that I am ready when he does call if he does. And then I guess to a large degree there is my answer – be ready for the call –be ready – get your heart, soul, mind, and body in such condition that it is ready for whatever God will call you to. So maybe this time of silence on his behalf is him allowing me to train myself and be trained by him and others around me. Well no duh? What a great revelation that is - moron – I would think that that would be fairly evident or at least it should be. That if you don’t feel or hear a calling to something then you had better be training yourself and getting yourself ready for when it does come in…..which I think ties into the parable of the talents – we need to do well with what he have responsibility for right now – so if right now you have no great calling or feel that God is not leading in any particular direction then what you do have in your time and energy and we should be sure that we are investing it wisely that we ensuring a transformation of our being into the likeness of Christ (the small things) so when God sees what we have done he will be pleased and will give us more (a calling). This isn’t the first time I’ve come to this conclusion. Each time I come to this and I resolve myself to go about the business of the small things and yet I concentrate so much energy on trying to listen and asking for a vision or some sort of dream or something because maybe I don’t want to put in the time or maybe I say okay I got that – bring it on God, when really all I’ve gotten is the realization of what I need to do and very little in terms of actually training. I realize that I need to train and that is vital and I mentally put some plans together but there is no real schedule or real follow through (investment). So there I have it I guess…….and that really isn’t the whole of it anyhow – I am serving somewhere so I need be focusing effort into developing that and into turning that into something of which Jesus would be proud, into something where I would want to say to Jesus look what I’ve been doing here and be proud of my work – rather that, I imagine it this way, me standing there in front of all that I’m involved in with my back to it all and saying or looking at Jesus and asking when and where are you going to call me? And I imagine him looking right past me and saying I already did call you to this – or what about all this – I want to use you for great things, but how can I when you ignore all that surrounds you. Wow so that kinda hits home right, penetrates my heart really. And now I feel like today has been no waste at – rather it has been another reminder that I live presently and need to be in the present with my ear to the future but not at the neglect of the present. So to turn some of requests and energy away from the future and into the future so that God’s love may be realized now and so what I may show him that I am worthy of more and that I am not a lazy servant. In all the silence of today – in all my struggling around and crying out for God’s voice – something to speak to me – in this time of reflection and writing – He, the alpha and Omega, just did. Thank you – Father . I love you too.