this life is nuts i tell ya....my mind is filled with thoughts and this isn't going to make any sense this blog of mine. this one of those therapy things where I go and pour things out and see what comes out and then ah i don't know - who even cares anyway. God what are you doing here? I know it's something i see it happening it's unfolding right before my eyes but i just can't see what it is and well that's why you're God and I'm not - my trust is in you and in that i find hope which is awesome because i'm seemingly at wits end right now - in this mess of thing that some people call church - its really f'd up you know. its completely upside down, the things done inappropriate, hurt feelings, well you know what - maybe you're feelings needed to be hurt - everyone else's has......i think it was merely a matter of time and man when will people wake up and realize that what they're doing is crazy and you want youth to come to this you want us there - for what? you wonder why were not there - well look around - it's not so difficult to see is it - well maybe it is - maybe we are the ones who have it backwards maybe we're upside down - of course i'd like to think not - but maybe we are - i don't know - and what do you mean that the change might take decades - that you hope to see it in your lifetime - that's craziness - utter craziness - that baffles me - but maybe that's the way God wants to work - but i ask this to myself - if people aren't growing and they know it and want to go else where and there is enough of them to the extent that this particular community will no longer exist - then so be it - hooray - then that means one less place to get lost or stuck in a rut of self-unawareness - people will then hopefully belong somewhere where they are challenged pushed - and seriously consider the question - "How much should be different in my life because I follow Jesus", or to what extent do I trust Jesus?" will i truly lay it all down - my dreams of a family of a house with a yard - all of it? - how much of it?......where does my comfort zone need to be pushed? where is my heart dark? which portion of me still on runs on the blood of this world? dazzled, frazzled is my mind with such questions - but really it's what keeps me going the seeking, the learning the pushing, the ever striving to be a better student of the one true Artist. What do i want to do with my life? - I want to live a life that is solely dedicated to cause of Christ and to the spreading of his love and his kingdom - why - that is the least i can do for what has occured in my life because of him. the very least. and that is why i'm entrenched in this crap we like to call church. we have no idea what church is - our view is so skew - and who am i to even say all this - what gives me the right to say that no - i think this is the way it should be done or no this is what reality really is - nobody does. i don't have that right and yet i assert myself as if i do. yet i believe as a child of God and student of Jesus i do believe that in and of itself entitles to something - what i'm not sure - sometimes i like to think of myself as a prophet - that God has chosen me to go out and proclaim all that i'm learning from Him - or an apostle like Paul. A man writing letters to communities saying ya you got some things right - but yow know have you ever thought about this. but i have NO right in elevating myself to such hieghts - none whatsoever - that is up to God - he elevates, my aim is to be humble - so for the time being i will simply ask questions because really - ya questions i'll stick to that - i want to discover.....or continue rather.......and in the end God........well.......later.