solitude update

in search of solitude this morning my eyes opened to the ring of my phone alarm. It's 5:15am and after only 4 hours of sleep i'm not ready and i'm not sure. Snooze. Riiiiiing, Riiiiiiiing, the alarms sounds and my eyes switch open there's a strange energy to my body this morning, not rested, not groggy, a strung out but ready energy. I lay there contemplating how to obtain solitude in nature surrounded by concrete, the limitations of being carless swirl around in my mind. I give in to the notion of cycling to the top of highway 9. Wheels roll at 7am, the air sharp as it enters, I contemplate Jesus' rhythm of solitude - my body, my spirit fighting every push of the pedals. my mind the only thing propelling me forward. It caves under the pressure and 25 minutes later I'm returning home somewhat relieved and disappointed.

My bike shoes sound like tap shoes going up the stairs to my apartment - I enter and begin some journaling then reading the Gospel of John - as I relax the weariness of my being becomes apparent - rest is in order.

I'm awakened by keys turning in the door - aaron is home from kirkwood. I hope he had a good weekend but the slight solitude I had is now invaded and I retreat to the closet where I sit, read and pray for the next couple hours. Sometimes all I want is a simple touch, a breath across my face to let me know that He hears me and wants to speak back.

I'll give it one more try, ride to the top of highway 9, to see the vistas, the steam rising above the mountains. Once again wheels roll, this time I make it to highway 9 but only about 1 mile up my legs are tired the remaining 6 will have to wait. I've neglected my body for too long and it will no longer perform the way it used too. Back home again.

Whirling wheels, turning mind, what am I doing wrong? There is no momentum in my life at this point - I envy one of my friends who is making a job switch and has plenty of opportunity - employers anxious for him to accept their position. Another friend b/c of what he has done is called in to speak, to share his thoughts his ideals, so many requests that he has to decline. The list goes on..... I find myself at a loss, investment in an education that I don't really use, years spent in High School ministry, my "prophetic" voice one that bounces off the walls, odd stares and uncomfortable glances b/c I choose to live my life in the freedom Christ offers - free from religiousity. I yearn to be refreshed, to see once again the gifts I have, that I can contribute, that I am amazing.