Space in the Silence

I remember back to my introduction to silence and meditation as a freshman in high school. At the start of class Father Allender would often have us sit, eyes closed, while he led us in a meditation. As the meditation came to a close we sat in silence for a few moments before opening our eyes. Most likely the exercise had a dual purpose, to calm the storm of 30 riotous high schools boys, but also to introduce us to a spiritual practice. At the time it didn’t really mean much to me other than our lectures would be inherently shorter; which as a freshman in high school was a huge bonus. Years later during my final year of undergraduate studies I remember reading the gospel accounts of Jesus constantly withdrawing to the mountainside for solitude and prayer and memories of those days in freshmen religion class came flooding back. I felt inspired and decided that I needed to get away, alone for 4 days. Finishing up school on a Thursday I packed up my car and drove up to the Sierras where I would spend the next 4 days alone in the woods, praying, reading, meditating, and being still before my Maker. I was forever changed after those 4 days and vowed that silence and solitude would become a regular practice in my life. Fast forward a few years and this discipline of practicing silence and solitude has become one of the vows of our community and as an organization we host an annual retreat inviting anyone that wishes to attend.

Fighting their way through traffic people began to trickle in Friday night from all over the Bay Area. As each person arrived I was reminded that it takes a decisive act of discipline to make time for stillness in our local culture of activity driven schedules. In our outcome based, progress driven society the question is often “What will this activity accomplish?” or “Will it allow me to check something off my ‘to do’ list?” and taking silent walks, meditating and journaling often don’t measure up. I asked everyone to leave behind all distractions: electronic devices, books, and yes even Bibles. Aside from their personal items, they only needed to bring a journal and pen. It’s easy for us to fill our minds with words and thoughts and to read without a purpose. All the guidance they needed would be contained in the movement of the Spirit and in a guide that we handed out which contained scripture to meditate on, journaling exercises, prayer exercises and guided meditations. The hope is to create space for God not merely fill it with more “meaningful” things.

We shared a common meal of fresh vegetables, and shrimp in a white wine sauce over wheat pasta and gathered in a circle to go over the next 36 hours. Driven by the admonition in the Psalms, “Be still and know that I am God,” Mark and I walked the group through the importance that silence can play in our lives. I explained that it really is entering into a new way of being, and there are some usual reactions when we first enter silence. Often we find ourselves anxious, bored, questioning the point of trying to be still or wondering what it will accomplish. We begin to look for some emotional shift inside, or euphoric feeling telling us that “it’s working.” We can become desperate in wanting to feel something. In these moments, when we try to evaluate a new way of being based on old paradigms, we need to remind ourselves that this is a spiritual practice we enter to show our love and fidelity to the One that knit us together. God is the lover and cultivator of our soul and one of the most important things we can do is show up with the intention of being with God. As our loving parent God is pleased with our effort to be present. Entering silence creates space in our hearts, minds, and souls for the spirit of God to work and speak. “We are going to be living as contemplative monks,” I explained, “and part of that entails we all participate in chores in order for food to be prepped, cooked and the kitchen cleaned.” We don’t leave out the practicalities of life when practicing silence, but rather the intention is to create that stillness within and bring it with us to our daily activities. We began to run through the schedule for the next day and a half and as we did I pointed out our individual assignments for the weekend that would keep things running smoothly and without conversation. Being that there were no questions at this point, I (re)introduced the practice of contemplative prayer, popularized by Thomas Keating, and led us in 20 minutes of silent prayer. After which, Mark and I walked the group through exercises we had prepared that were available for use if people needed inspiration. We ended our gathering and as a collective group entered silence.

I slept outside that night. The stillness present in the crisp morning mountain air soothes the deeper parts of my soul and as I entered the kitchen I was greeted by a newly formed group of “monks” spending time with their Creator. Some were journaling, others sitting on the deck in silence, and still others enjoying the outdoors. Jennifer had just returned from a nature walk and brought with her pine cones and needles and created a mountain center piece for our table. As I watched people, I prayed that through the silence internal soul space would open up allowing the voice of the great Mystery to speak lovingly. As the day progressed, I sensed people settling more and more into the silence. The flurry of moving pens had slowed and more people were simply resting in the present moment. I imagine that their souls and minds grew still and they were able to begin to rest. It often takes a while for our minds to detox from the influx of information and activity that we live into day in and day out. Their is a noticeable difference between the first few hours of silence and silence after 8-10 hours. That night as I got ready for bed I sat on my mat and wrote this poem:

The ancient light flickers by my bed
I’m entranced by it’s glow and warmth
It’s history beyond my knowledge
the inconsistent flashed moves from side to side and flow into my soul
I’m reminded of the light within
the kingdom seed planted in the depths of my soul
even through closed eyes the darkness is intruded upon by it’s presence
with each flash
I sink deeper into the presence of the great
I AM
Beheld by the Creators loving goodness my heart beats like an open vessel
As I elongate my torso, opening chest
my breath grows deeper and fills my entire body
tingles begin at the crown of my head and disappear into my ears
beneath my flowing breath I can hear the rhythmic bass gently beating
I can feel peace enter my nostrils
caressingly moving down my nasal cavity
down the back of my sternum
I feel the whispering center calling me home
calling me to live out my birthright
and with each flash I’m reminded of the sacred space that must remain secret
fwoooooof
As I enter complete darkness
the glow of the wick fades
I’m in the shadow
light within glowing

Waking the next morning we had breakfast and the morning exercise was to come up with a rule of life. A set of personal rhythms that will help in nurturing the soul and deepening our connection to God. We broke the silence with communion at lunch and reflected upon the experience as we ate together. Everyone I talked with, even the extreme extroverts, remarked how they enjoyed the silence and time to simply be. If you have never had an extended period in silence and/or solitude I would highly recommend penning it into your schedule. It helps remind us that God is more concerned with who we are becoming than what we accomplish.