confronting shadows

(this is not proof-read, so bare with me)

It's as if I looked into his eyes yesterday, not two years ago. And the conversation I had with Hal seems just as fresh. I was on my way home after a Sunday morning breakfast at Boogaloo's when I noticed Hal moving back and forth on the sidewalk in his wheelchair. It was one of those instances where just as soon as you notice someone conversation begins. I could see by his matted brilo salt and pepper hair that he'd been sleeping outside for at least the last few nights. No sooner did I ask how he was doing, than he was telling about his mother who was sick with cancer and reliving childhood memories with me. As he reached into his coat to pull out a pocket sized photo album I caught a glimpse of a frail body that no doubt had been through a lot. Hal spoke with a calm clarity on this particular morning and casually walked me through memory lane. His times of football as a child, his foray into jazz, and how his life had taken some turns that wound him living on the streets. It was here that his tone and demeanor took on a soulful intensity. Intently moving his head closer to mine, his brown tired eyes looking directly in mine, he instructed me “I've been to the dark places” He let those words sit there between us, allowing them to sink in before proceeding any further. With time frozen in this instance, he repeated himself “I've been to the dark places, seen the spirits there.” It's what his eyes told me, and what he didn't say that he really wanted me to understand. He had been there, and being revealed something to him. He went on to make it more explicit, explaining that what had been revealed in that darkness was indeed light.

I believe this is the case for all of us. We all have dark corners of ourselves that we carry with us. Sometimes they get the better of us, sometimes not, but mostly we ignore their existence. We're caught up in life, in to-do lists, and an over booked social life to pay them any attention. If only we would realize that through walking into our shadows we would find healing and light. Ranier Maria Rilke once wrote:

I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood
Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another life that's wide and timeless.

So I am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living root
embrace:

a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.

I love these lines. I believe they speak to a truth about becoming human. Namely, in moving into our darkness, or shadows we not only diffuse any power they have over us, but we also begin to understand the depth of our being. It's in this depth of being that we discover the strength to be with not only the light within but also the dark. Through confronting our shadows we open the door healing and begin to understand the importance of keeping them in the forefront.

There will inevitably be a shock when we first begin the work of looking into our darkness. However, once the initial surprise wears off we'll recognize that the pain we're feeling pails in comparison to the healing that follows. This is a vital component to living artfully. For when we hold the light in one hand and the dark in the other we can now “paint” about life from both directions. We are now able to more fully express the our human experience. In so doing, we demonstrate the freedom that comes from confronting our shadows.

The Aftermath

You wanna know something interesting about running 50 miles? The race is the easy part. On the front end you have day after day, week after week, month after month of running miles upon miles. Up to 120+ miles in one week at the peak. Then you start to rest, and all that fatigue that's been living in your body starts to rise to the surface. Bringing with it all sorts of irritable emotions. You finally start to feel better and it's race day. And what a glorious day it is indeed. All the hard work paying off, the excitement of seeing other crazy people running with you, and all those loyal loving friends and family who come out to watch. It's amazing. Then the race is over and you celebrate that night. The ensuing days after the race - those are just as brutal - if not more so than the preparation. You're digestive system is all out of whack. You're constantly hungry - or so it seems. Walking turns into shuffling around and walking stairs becomes like climbing a mountain with someone stabbing needles in your legs. This is only the physical aspect of recovery. Then there's the emotional side of things. It's like a mild case of postpartum depression. I remember this from my first endurance race and luckily now I recognize it for what it is, but it still isn't the funnest of times. Oh well, in time it'll all be good again.

Race Updates

Sorry to those that suffered through reading the last post with all the missing & extra words.....my brain isn't functioning as well it should today. I've edited it, and hopefully it's a bit more readable. I checked the race results and it looks like I finished in about 46th (out of 170) place overall and 8th (out of 41) in my age group. Yes, admittedly I'm slightly competitive immediately following a race, but it will fade. For those that are curious, below is a chart of my heart rate, pace, and elevation over the 50 miles.

Yesterday & 50 miles

Yesterday I ventured into uncharted territory as I ran my first 50 mile ultra-marathon, the North Face Endurance Challenge. The day started at 2:30 am as I rose to eat breakfast, gather the rest of my gear and drive over to the Marin Headlands for the race start. Driving over I had a sense of excitement rising inside of me, and at one point yelled out it the car "50 miles baby!!" Arriving in Marin the sky was black, sprinkled only with stars and no moon. The temperature was a mild 55 degrees, but the wind howled and whisked away any emanating body heat. There was a calm buzz in the air as the athletes drove in, parked, and made final preparations before boarding the shuttle to the race start. At the start we huddled around portable heaters to ward of the chill from the wind and I watched as the other athletes ran through their morning rituals. Some applying vaseline to their feet, last minute snacking, stretching and some other odd routines. Some had looks of eager anticipation and others a slight look of concentration and focus. One thing I enjoy about events of this nature is the ecclecticness of the group. The energy in the air says we've found something we enjoy and many people may not understand it, and that's okay. We enjoy it, it awakens something inside and we will follow that voice inspite of looking a bit odd. There were people of all shapes, sizes and genders getting ready.

Getting ready came to a close as the announcer called the 150+ racers to the start, gave final instructions and sent us off into the dark night for the beginning of what was to become a great adventure. We immediately starting a hill ascent, one of the dominant themes of the day. I was in the first 1/4 of runners and as I looked down the winding trail that hugged the side of the mountain, all I could see was a string of lights. Each runner with their headlamps illuminating their path as they weaved their way up the mountain. It was as if the stars were earth bound and were making their way back to the heavens. My own headlamp was, in the simplest terms - useless. I don't know if it was the batteries or the light itself but it did nothing to illuminate my path. So, I run upward in the dark. At one point thinking back the lights moving up the hill, I felt as if I was in Middle Earth and the Orks were marching there way to battle.

As dawn began to crest, I entered the coastal trail. The cliffs were shadows set against the sea that was beginning to glow. At one point there were two bluffs, the left hand side made an immediate drop down, the other a slow gradual drop. Nestled in between - a beach that crawled out to the ocean. Looking over the top of them, the lights of the city were being woken up by the dawn sky. Clouds stretched out like fingers, the hills of the city, being warmed by orange and fuchsia sky. One of the prettiest sunrises I've seen. I've heard it said that things worth something in life - you work for - and in this moment that saying took on all new meaning. I had been working for an hour and a half and my reward was one of the most stunning skylines I've seen in my short lifetime. At this point my imagination took me to Pirates of the Caribbean and I was on the look out for a Pirate ship to come up to the ocean cliffs.

Time was evaporating as my mind wandered, my legs began to ache, and the hills kept rolling. At some point it was mid-morning, I had been running for 4 hours and the day had just begun. The miles ticked past and before I knew I was at the mile 20 aid station. I stopped to have my camelback refilled, at some potato chips and proceeded into the 3rd environmental arena. The trees and plants shifted. There were overgrown ferns, and towering redwoods - now I was on the moon of Endor surrounded by Ewoks. The terrain was no less grueling. Rocks and roots jetted out of the dirt trail and each step took concentration. It was absolutely amazing. An adventure through the woods, never knowing what sight was around the next corner. It was a steep descent to the valley floor before an equally steep ascent back up and back to the aid station and mile 30. It was here that I would meetup with my friend Arthur who would run with me for the next 6 miles. It was great to have company. Before I knew it the 6 miles were up and we were at the next aid station where I would depart once again be on my own. Before I left the station, and elderly gentlemen who lived in town asked about the race, and when I told him of the distance and elevation profile he was dumbfounded - what?! why?! Ya, I said, I know, and not only that but I've paid to be here. :-)

The next four miles were through what was more like a jungle. Moss covered trees, with pretzel looking trunks, and thick plants lined the trail. It was after these 4 miles that I began to really feel the distance I'd covered. My inner thighs began to cramp, which is excruciatingly painful and I was forced to stop, breath deep for a moment and down 5 enduralyte pills, full of sodium and potassium in hopes that they would alleviate some of the cramping. It worked - for a mile or two, but cramping returned as I reached yet another insanely steep ascent. Everyone was forced to walk. At many of the ascents we were forced to walk. Some so steep that the trail had stairs so we could make our way up. Up, and up, the trail weaved, and I grew slightly tired. Finally at the top my energy rose and I could feel the end of the race in sight. On the downhills, and flats I could let my legs fly, and run. I was hopped up on caffeine and had taken enough motrin that I could ignore the pain. It was now mile 44, where I would meet my good friend Dan, who would run the remaining 6 miles with me. As soon as we left the aid station, we hit, yes another steep ascent. The race organizers weren't kidding when they rated this race the most challenging and gave it 5 out of 5 stars for elevation change. I was again reduced to walking up the immense hill. As we ran, I recounted the previous 8+ hours to Dan. Told him of the sure enjoyment of the day. My encounters with other runners, etc. Something happens to me on these adventures. I go completely outside myself, tell jokes, banter with other runners, and aid station staff, and generally have a blast. The last mile was up a gradual hill on asphalt which returned the cramping to my legs, but I pressed on and crossed the finish line some 9 hours and 45 minutes after starting.

What an amazing day. I felt euphoric. Tired, stiff but euphoric. My right hip was in agony. I made my way over the message/soft tissue therapy tent, where for the next 20 minutes a couple cute therapists began work on my hip. I just relaxed and enjoyed the treatment. Not a bad way to end the race.

After all this, it was time to get back to my flat. I had a party to get to ready host. In order to recoup quicker, Dan hooked me up with an IV of saline (see below); which was amazing. The party was fabulous, and other than some stomach issues I felt pretty good. By around 10pm I started to fade - the early morning combined with the race had taken it's toll and at 11pm I called it. Strange part was my body had a hard time relaxing as I laid in bed, but did finally fall sleep. Only to wake up at 3am some extreme hunger pain. So, up I got and made food.

I think I'll take it easy today.

this weekend

Yesterday was interesting. I woke up after sleeping for 3 hours and started my 5 hour run for the day. Right on time at 5am. It was very slow going. Most likely a combination of little sleep and running for 4 hours the day before. As I made my way up the steep part of Laguna St, I couldn't help but feel a bit crazy. Even now as I write this it feels strange to think about. Is it an obsession? What fruit is producing? What will be curious is when the race is over and the training has dwindled what will my energy levels be like and how will my mind function. After I was finished running, yesterday was a normal day. I didn't feel extremely tired or exhausted. I took a 45 minute nap, but that was about it. Today however, I have a headache and my energy is all over the map. Mentally I have fairly good focus - I just a little strange.

new toy

a couple weeks I got myself a new toy for all this training I'm doing for my first 50 miler. it's the Suunto t6c. i love it - it tracks everything I need and more. i've been meaning to post some training results now that I have this new fangled device. here's the first. it's from my run today which was a PR for me. 9 miles in 60 minutes. yes. now this weekend back to back 4 hour running sessions.

today

I downloaded an app for my iphone that tracks my location and I thought it would be handy. The downside, after about an hour the battery was at 20%. Not so helpful when I need it to work for 3 hours. Here's part of today's workout:

My Path 30276

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Distance: 10.07 miles (16.21 km) Time: 1 hour, 13 minutes, 47 seconds GPS Points: 693 (show all points)
Avg Speed: 7.31 mph Est. Max Speed: 26.60 mph (42.81 km/h)
Avg Pace: 8min 17s / mile (7min 1s / km) Est. Max Pace: 2min 15s / mile (1min 24s / km)