confronting shadows

(this is not proof-read, so bare with me)

It's as if I looked into his eyes yesterday, not two years ago. And the conversation I had with Hal seems just as fresh. I was on my way home after a Sunday morning breakfast at Boogaloo's when I noticed Hal moving back and forth on the sidewalk in his wheelchair. It was one of those instances where just as soon as you notice someone conversation begins. I could see by his matted brilo salt and pepper hair that he'd been sleeping outside for at least the last few nights. No sooner did I ask how he was doing, than he was telling about his mother who was sick with cancer and reliving childhood memories with me. As he reached into his coat to pull out a pocket sized photo album I caught a glimpse of a frail body that no doubt had been through a lot. Hal spoke with a calm clarity on this particular morning and casually walked me through memory lane. His times of football as a child, his foray into jazz, and how his life had taken some turns that wound him living on the streets. It was here that his tone and demeanor took on a soulful intensity. Intently moving his head closer to mine, his brown tired eyes looking directly in mine, he instructed me “I've been to the dark places” He let those words sit there between us, allowing them to sink in before proceeding any further. With time frozen in this instance, he repeated himself “I've been to the dark places, seen the spirits there.” It's what his eyes told me, and what he didn't say that he really wanted me to understand. He had been there, and being revealed something to him. He went on to make it more explicit, explaining that what had been revealed in that darkness was indeed light.

I believe this is the case for all of us. We all have dark corners of ourselves that we carry with us. Sometimes they get the better of us, sometimes not, but mostly we ignore their existence. We're caught up in life, in to-do lists, and an over booked social life to pay them any attention. If only we would realize that through walking into our shadows we would find healing and light. Ranier Maria Rilke once wrote:

I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood
Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another life that's wide and timeless.

So I am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living root
embrace:

a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.

I love these lines. I believe they speak to a truth about becoming human. Namely, in moving into our darkness, or shadows we not only diffuse any power they have over us, but we also begin to understand the depth of our being. It's in this depth of being that we discover the strength to be with not only the light within but also the dark. Through confronting our shadows we open the door healing and begin to understand the importance of keeping them in the forefront.

There will inevitably be a shock when we first begin the work of looking into our darkness. However, once the initial surprise wears off we'll recognize that the pain we're feeling pails in comparison to the healing that follows. This is a vital component to living artfully. For when we hold the light in one hand and the dark in the other we can now “paint” about life from both directions. We are now able to more fully express the our human experience. In so doing, we demonstrate the freedom that comes from confronting our shadows.

being missed

a couple weeks ago Dan, Bethany and I visited our dear friends Ryan, Holly and Paxton in Portland. We got word from Holly that after we left Pax carried this picture (taken while we were there) around for about an hour.

it's nice to be missed.

on the road

I'm on the road home from kirkwood/sacramento with steve.

the soundtrack
the winter souds
Sound forged like spine

It was a weekend of silence and running sessions that blew my mind. Today we drove into sacto where I worked and Steve scored himself a new tattoo. A very nice piece of body art that was serendipitous and inspired. The evening ended with a home cooked meal with some kindred souls "of old."

Much more to say and pictures to come.

(ps. gotta love the at&t wifi card)

of late

My impending trip is now less than a week away, and in conjunction time is moving fast. There is always that sense of wanting to lay to rest a certain list of things before embarking on a journey of any duration. Ah to lay to rest that list. Even if I don't, I will still board a plane on Sunday and life will move on. Despite the pressure I place on myself, I won't be flogged, or mistreated b/c I didn't accomplish everything. One thing I can't really cross of the list is Ironman training. I'm leaving for Guinea-Bissau in what is the supposed critical training time. How it will impact the race in June is left to be discovered. I have to admit I do fret over it a bit, b/c when race time goes I do want to have an allstar performance, but truly is there added value in that? Yes I could have staid behind and trained harder and better, but at a cost of not going to Africa and realizing some other goals I have. At the risk of not opening myself to something that will inevitably impact my life in more ways than I can foresee. In some ways, I want to stay and go through the routine of life. To further "establish" myself, my life, my place, but then again what does that mean. I also want to break out of routine to remind myself, that it's not about my routine or establishing my identity in what I do.

I find myself at an interesting intersection in life, always full of angst about "what I'm supposed" to do with my life - yet enjoying what I am doing with my life. As I read my current situation I find some interesting overlaps. It seems across the board I'm involved in either start-up ventures or organizations restructuring themselves and implementing new business strategies/models. In this moment I want to soak it all in and pay attention to the lessons at hand. I hope to some day be in a place where I can help others in starting ventures in this new world of ours and right now I'm in school. So, as much as I'd like to be doing that now, it seems patience is the order of the day.

learning

I've been seeing a physical therapist for about 5 weeks now and as the weeks have progressed so has the health of my knee. It feels good. It feels good to have a pain free knee for hours at a time. An entire day - even if it was only one. Mostly it feels good to know that I'm pushing my body to limits where the muscle the size of an ipod comes into play. I like exploring the fringes of possibility. To see what doors open up and where the adventure will lead. Sometimes nowhere, sometimes to a place well explored and occasionally to something new.

purple cloud feet

Last week I spent a lot of time driving to the South Bay - too much if you ask me, but it did at least afford me time to think. As I drove home one evening it occurred to me that I have not been blogging, writing poetry or otherwise been creatively expressive of late. I also have not been able to run or cycle because of my knee and I made a connection. My running and cycling are truly meditative times where I'm able to let the mind go and simply be in what I'm doing. It recharges me and allows my body, soul and mind to be replenished. The absence of this time has affected my reflective time and hence my time where I would normally create. I've said it many times before (as have others), the integration of our being never ceases to amaze me. I always knew those times were special to me but I now have greater appreciation.

Tonight we had our annual budget share/money vulnerability as a community. No matter how much I curb my spending I feel like I spend too much and suck at following a budget. Even more so, I'm left feeling a little heavy in the chest b/c I see the direct correlation to vocation in this world. And my main means of making money, at the moment at least, is through computer support. Really?! Is that true? How did I end up here? Lately I've been trying to identify some good streams in this work; as I typically see it as impersonal, uncreative, and rote. I'm struggling. I'm feeling more and more that if I'm ever to jump off this train that I must do it now, this is the opportune time. So I strive to take lofty dreams of soup lounges, outdoor camps & some sort of guru/teacher into reality. I can see movement but its always slower and more convoluted than I hope.

Let it be.

the close of a chapter

When the rain comes down it pours,
it pours upon my head and......

Yesterday rain came down in sheets in Louisville and continued all night long and it was still going this morning as I rose at 4:15am EST to catch the first of three planes on route to Nassau, Bahamas for the next Soularize conference. I sit now in Ft Lauderdale, FL at my 5 hour layover.

Last night was my last show with The Cobalt Season on their midwest, to eastern portion of the US tour. It was wonderful to be with Ryan, Holly, and Paxton -- wonderful as well to see my old roommate Daniel Dixon. Ryan is a true lyricist and Daniel's full sense of music is beyond my grasp. I loved the opportunity to perform some of my poetry and was very grateful for the platform Ryan extended. Last night was probably my personal favorite as it was hosted at Dan's house and the show flowed with sense of emotion. Ryan and Holly sang a new song they co-wrote which was a transparent telling of their relationship as a family and I love the courage they display in sharing openly with strangers. My thoughts are with them as they continue on in the tour.

minneapolis

In typical fashion I had a list of many things to do in little time and was set to board a plane early Sunday morning. I ended up calling it quits on finishing the tasks in to get a few hours sleep; 3 to be exact. I flew into minneapolis Sunday afternoon, its now Tuesday and I still haven't completely recovered that lost sleep. In fact I've been overly tired for the last week and a half. I'm just not sleeping well -- somewhere wadding around my soul is a thread of restlessness. I can't quite pin point what it is exactly.

Minneapolis on the other hand is great - - being among friends and meeting many new ones is a real gift. I'm blessed to know such generous people and have the means to travel and interact. It's a peculiar way of living, one in which many people have a hard time understanding and scratch their heads as to what it is I exactly do with my time -- once in a while myself included. At this juncture I have sense that my future holds more of the same but with more intentionality, and deeper leverage of my gifts and abilities.

Today the sky is grey and the air and ground wet with anticipation of change.

on the road

It started with 9 of us meeting at 6am this morning and piling into a 12 passenger rental van headed for Santa Fe, NM. We're on our way to the Emergent gathering held annually at Glorietta, NM. It feels good to be on the road, headed toward a destination where a collective of energy from across the country amasses and we converse about the movement of the Spirit among us. Inevitably there will be traveling pilgrims looking to connect, a wonderful opportunity for hospitality. We've stopped in Flagstaff for the night and last night ended up at a local tavern with live Blue Grass, Barley Wine on tap, and amazing food.

Today we push on for the final drive of the journey.

for now.

prayer and such

"some trust in human means, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." (my paraphrase of Psalm 20:7)

Over the last couple of weeks I've been trying to spend a considerable amount of time each morning still in meditation. I've begun to notice a real unhealth in my spirituality - mainly that much of it resides in cognition. I want to love not only with my mind and body but with my heart and soul as well.

As I've been sitting and praying I'm reminded of the power and reality of God's Spirit and presence. I want my prayers not only to be words I say or think but living realities and I fear my friends that I cannot will that into being. I make myself available, but the internal change I seek I'm finding comes from another source outside of myself.

I often struggle with the reality of God's power and being tapped into that stream. Depending on the circle you run in it's either celebrated our looked down upon, but I believe the force of God in the world must be real as well as it's access. My from my vantage point I need to be reminded of resting in God and residing in love. I guess what I'm getting at is I want to have a deep and profound love for the author of my being - one that propels me.

May we be connected to the Master as well as follow what he teaches.

random thoughts

I've been on a blog hiatus of sorts; which if you visit here or subscribe to my feed you might have notice. It's not something that I planned or am being intentional about. I've sat many times blogger window open and nothing comes forth. It's a different season internally for me these past few weeks. My internal intensity and ever working mind have slowed to some degree for rest -- I guess. Plus I've been on vacation: house boating, and puerto vallarta.

Also though I feel a strange shift inside where maybe I'm settling into myself more and the anxious side of my intensity is cooling down. Lately I'm not interested in analyzing things or trying to figure out answers to questions that aren't meant to be answered. I know this sounds simple and juvenile but with all the intentionality that has been my life for the last few years I'm ready to slow that down and enjoy life a little more. Creating space for the serendipity of my maker. Taking extended time off has once again awakened a broader perspective on the vastness life.

Switching books. Lately I've been thinking about the power of the Spirit that exists and how we can be instruments that harness that power. I imagine myself riding the wave and channeling it through my personality for sake of love in this world. I get subtle feelings of its existence and presence and reflect on times when I've felt tapped in -- weilding it in certain circumstances.

wrestling

"When I wake up in the morning I can't decide whether to enjoy the world or
improve the world; that makes it difficult to plan the day." (E.B. White)


Chad and I arrived in Coeur d'Alene yesterday afternoon. Yesterday's drive was breath taking. Rolling green hills, majestic canyons, and wild flowers that ignite your eyes. Somehow inspite of all that I'm really wrestling with being here. My mind is constantly returning to what's going on in SF and thinking through our work there. It really is a bizarre twist to be fighting to enjoy vacation but that's the place I'm in at the moment and I'm not sure what to do with it. It has me wondering about new organizational structures. How they change from week to week, even day to day, and how I want to be there for all of it. Wrapped up in this somewhere is my ego I'm sure - wanting to control and have influence and taking that away, even for a while, is messing with me. Not good. I want my value to come from my connection to the Creator. On the flip side of this, it seems I've found what I really want to do in this season of life. So much so that taking an extended break is difficult. In the middle of all these thoughts, the tangible is sleepless nights and a distracted mind.

Breath deep. Relax. This experience is valuable (i hope).

life

life is bizarre and I don't know what to make of it sometimes. Realism versus whispers of a kingdom come wrestle inside in me inconsolably.

and i cut my thumb with a knife while washing dishing. Don't worry I had rubber cement on hand to glue it back together. Yes seriously

you are what you eat

About two months ago Chad and I sat down to plan our training for Ironman CDA and this past Saturday we got together to iron out the details for each week. As we were sitting there trying to decipher how to best split 14 hours of training over a week, and 17 for the next week I was reminded that most difficult part of the ironman is not the race itself but the training. The consistent day in day out, week after week, month after month of running, cycling, yoga, swimming, pilates, etc is the real work. Being consistent with it, that's what makes you an Ironman, and hence "you are what you eat", or you are what you spend your time doing. If you aspire to be something, spent consistent time doing it and with the passage of time you will inevitably become what you emulate.

december06

It's been a bit of a bizarre month, this December 06. I've spent about 70% of the month at Kirkwood trying to finish up the house my family is building. I find it interesting how my mind is both adapting to living/working here as well as missing things in San Francisco. Living somewhat isolated brings new feelings on removing myself from my normal context to shift my perspective on time and my place in this spinning sphere. It's both freeing and jarring to realize the paradox of significance in light of insignificance. I've always wanted to spend 30-40 days in the wilderness alone with my creator and this experience only fuels that desire. There is work for us to do in healing this world and Paul speaks of us each being created to do good works in the world. I wonder though if I use that as an excuse at times to say "Oh I can't be gone for a month alone there are so many things that I need to do" as if God couldn't accomplish them without me. Or I wouldn't be better equiped to do them had I spent that time alone. It's an interesting tension.