learning

I've been seeing a physical therapist for about 5 weeks now and as the weeks have progressed so has the health of my knee. It feels good. It feels good to have a pain free knee for hours at a time. An entire day - even if it was only one. Mostly it feels good to know that I'm pushing my body to limits where the muscle the size of an ipod comes into play. I like exploring the fringes of possibility. To see what doors open up and where the adventure will lead. Sometimes nowhere, sometimes to a place well explored and occasionally to something new.

purple cloud feet

Last week I spent a lot of time driving to the South Bay - too much if you ask me, but it did at least afford me time to think. As I drove home one evening it occurred to me that I have not been blogging, writing poetry or otherwise been creatively expressive of late. I also have not been able to run or cycle because of my knee and I made a connection. My running and cycling are truly meditative times where I'm able to let the mind go and simply be in what I'm doing. It recharges me and allows my body, soul and mind to be replenished. The absence of this time has affected my reflective time and hence my time where I would normally create. I've said it many times before (as have others), the integration of our being never ceases to amaze me. I always knew those times were special to me but I now have greater appreciation.

Tonight we had our annual budget share/money vulnerability as a community. No matter how much I curb my spending I feel like I spend too much and suck at following a budget. Even more so, I'm left feeling a little heavy in the chest b/c I see the direct correlation to vocation in this world. And my main means of making money, at the moment at least, is through computer support. Really?! Is that true? How did I end up here? Lately I've been trying to identify some good streams in this work; as I typically see it as impersonal, uncreative, and rote. I'm struggling. I'm feeling more and more that if I'm ever to jump off this train that I must do it now, this is the opportune time. So I strive to take lofty dreams of soup lounges, outdoor camps & some sort of guru/teacher into reality. I can see movement but its always slower and more convoluted than I hope.

Let it be.

Glorietta

I'm back from Glorietta and from my first trip of what is going to be a travel month. The sun was warm and soothing as was the conversation and making new friends in New Mexico. I led a couple discussions over the few days we were there. The first was on the link between our bodies and our soul and in interplay between them. I've written a few posts on this here -- especially when training is in full swing. There's something tangible and practical about body spirituality that I inherently like and love to talk about my experiences and how they've shaped my view of God and life.

The other conversation I co-led with Ryan Sharp - about what I'm calling Developmental Theology. The integration of Theology, Psychology, Sociology and Physiology. It was a lively discussion about spiral dynamics, a theory of everything, and our longings to become human as our Creator intended.

While the facilitated conversations were invigorating, the real magic of the gathering happens on walks, late night talks, and cooking together. I met some beautifully wounded people who are moving forward in the way of love.

Daley (whose photography I love) put up some photos from the event here.

I'm in town for this week, then I fly out on Sunday to join The Cobalt Season tour, and will fly out from Louisville to Nassau, Bahamas to meet up with old and new friends at Soularize '07.

for now.

prayer and such

"some trust in human means, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." (my paraphrase of Psalm 20:7)

Over the last couple of weeks I've been trying to spend a considerable amount of time each morning still in meditation. I've begun to notice a real unhealth in my spirituality - mainly that much of it resides in cognition. I want to love not only with my mind and body but with my heart and soul as well.

As I've been sitting and praying I'm reminded of the power and reality of God's Spirit and presence. I want my prayers not only to be words I say or think but living realities and I fear my friends that I cannot will that into being. I make myself available, but the internal change I seek I'm finding comes from another source outside of myself.

I often struggle with the reality of God's power and being tapped into that stream. Depending on the circle you run in it's either celebrated our looked down upon, but I believe the force of God in the world must be real as well as it's access. My from my vantage point I need to be reminded of resting in God and residing in love. I guess what I'm getting at is I want to have a deep and profound love for the author of my being - one that propels me.

May we be connected to the Master as well as follow what he teaches.

random thoughts

I've been on a blog hiatus of sorts; which if you visit here or subscribe to my feed you might have notice. It's not something that I planned or am being intentional about. I've sat many times blogger window open and nothing comes forth. It's a different season internally for me these past few weeks. My internal intensity and ever working mind have slowed to some degree for rest -- I guess. Plus I've been on vacation: house boating, and puerto vallarta.

Also though I feel a strange shift inside where maybe I'm settling into myself more and the anxious side of my intensity is cooling down. Lately I'm not interested in analyzing things or trying to figure out answers to questions that aren't meant to be answered. I know this sounds simple and juvenile but with all the intentionality that has been my life for the last few years I'm ready to slow that down and enjoy life a little more. Creating space for the serendipity of my maker. Taking extended time off has once again awakened a broader perspective on the vastness life.

Switching books. Lately I've been thinking about the power of the Spirit that exists and how we can be instruments that harness that power. I imagine myself riding the wave and channeling it through my personality for sake of love in this world. I get subtle feelings of its existence and presence and reflect on times when I've felt tapped in -- weilding it in certain circumstances.

appetite

I have a large appetite for life.

Being here in Coeur d'Alene at the Ironman event is feeding my desire to do this event again next year. Taking the next year to be more disciplined and achieve the goal of finishing under 10 hours. Thoughts of doing the Ultraman are once again dancing strongly in my mind. I want to be doing that, while at the same time devoting myself fully to my work in SF where I feel a deep sense of calling and "true" vocation. The question I wrestle with is "can I do both?" and still maintain a balanced life in relationships, etc. One voice says - you bet and yet another - impossible. Oh the battle that wages, and the fun wrestling match that comes with being overdriven and ambitious.

I often wonder if it's a selfish motivation to be spending so much time to training, etc. And then I meet Damon, a local to Coeur d'Alene, who watched the event last year and was so inspired that he said "you know I've got to figure this thing out and give it a try" and this year he's participating. You could see by the sparkle in his eye and the cheek to cheek grin that Damon was excited about the opportunity and I'm sure the life transforming training that took place. Then there's my friend Chad who's been saying until about a year ago that he'd never do an Ironman. When I signed up to Ironman New Zealand he was glad for me but said he'd never do it, his body just couldn't handle it. I'd like to believe that by me signing up and pushing on with my desire to compete Chad saw the possibility and is now this year participating. Moving beyond what he once thought possible. I'd like to believe I played a part in that. In some ways it reassures of the voices in my soul. The ones that inspire me within but sound beyond reason to people around me. To those reading - listen to those voices, those desires and dreams that seem impossible. Be courageous.

On the note of being courageous, there is a man who has had both legs amputated below the knee participating in the race.

wrestling

"When I wake up in the morning I can't decide whether to enjoy the world or
improve the world; that makes it difficult to plan the day." (E.B. White)


Chad and I arrived in Coeur d'Alene yesterday afternoon. Yesterday's drive was breath taking. Rolling green hills, majestic canyons, and wild flowers that ignite your eyes. Somehow inspite of all that I'm really wrestling with being here. My mind is constantly returning to what's going on in SF and thinking through our work there. It really is a bizarre twist to be fighting to enjoy vacation but that's the place I'm in at the moment and I'm not sure what to do with it. It has me wondering about new organizational structures. How they change from week to week, even day to day, and how I want to be there for all of it. Wrapped up in this somewhere is my ego I'm sure - wanting to control and have influence and taking that away, even for a while, is messing with me. Not good. I want my value to come from my connection to the Creator. On the flip side of this, it seems I've found what I really want to do in this season of life. So much so that taking an extended break is difficult. In the middle of all these thoughts, the tangible is sleepless nights and a distracted mind.

Breath deep. Relax. This experience is valuable (i hope).

whirling around

The past few days have been event filled to say the least. Saturday afternoon I flew down to Santa Ana and performed some poetry as a part The Cobalt Season Show that night at the Canvas Gallery. Little did I know I'd be reconnected with Aaron Flores who runs the Gallery. Aaron is a humble soul who inhabits and experiments with new forms of leadership and emergence principles of organization. It was an inspiring reminder of the good work that is taking place along the new paradigm we swim in.

After that show we drove down to San Diego where the next morning where would be telling stories of our community through song, poetry and word at the Mission Gathering. The Mission Gathering, with it's beautiful leaders, is one of those communities with one in foot in each paradigm. Thank you Jay, Alex, Bill, etc for the wonderful conversation around lunch.

Concluding that day was a house show at Jason Evans' house. Jason and his wife Brook are part of what I would call the "Integration Movement". Where their spirituality is played out in all the details of their life and not programs administered by someone else.

The trip to Socal was a wonderful gift and I couldn't help but feel a sense of profound gratitude as I realized this was all taking part as a community of people.

Yesterday was we hosted the Spiritual Ecology Project here in San Francisco. It was the convergence of about 100 people getting together to talk about emerging spirituality and social issues. Other than feeling a little tired and run down, it was a great event. People from all different places on the conversation map showed up.

Look for more reflections from some of those conversations. Mostly around: The myth of community, the myth of flat leadership, emergence theory and verb centric language.

reflections

It's been a whirlwind of activity this past weekend. My brother Andrew graduated high school and a dear friend Andy Palmer got married. Also my good friend Ryan had his Album Release parties and graciously allowed me to share some of my poetry. At each of the parties it was great to see friends and family that I haven't seen a long time. Yesterday in particular was wonderful as I had a couple conversations that struck at a piece of my heart that was longing for encouragement.

Perhaps it was lack of sleep, or the busyness of the last few days but I was questioning the sanity of the life I live. I'm sure much of it is self induced pressure and intensity but living on the fringes of society and trying to forge a new way of life is quite daunting. As I was driving from Rocklin to San Francisco yesterday I couldn't help but ask myself why I couldn't just get a regular job and live a "normal" life? Of course deep down I know the reason is because there is an imprint on my soul that pushes me out to creative unknown. I feel called out to this "no-man's land" of living where sacrifice is eminent and ambiguity your best friend.

Yesterday a few people with more years than I encouraged me and said in all their years the most important thing is communion with the Great Mystery that spoke all this into being. "Live and rest in the power that sustains everything and ask for what you need," I was told. Words we often hear, but these words were from the mouths of people whom I deeply respect and who have lived lives on both sides of the flow. Giving them a credibility in my mind and not a bunch of spiritual hyperbole.

Oh that my faith may be strengthened as I move forward in this great adventure; that I honestly wouldn't trade for anything.

me

Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
- Ethel Mumford

How true, especially when applied personally. Lately I've wondering about contributions, legacy and calling particularly related to myself. I know at least two things about myself and would like to translate these traits into a tangible mark on the world for sake of goodness and love. I often write in my journal that I wish to be a looking glass into the heart of God as others have been in my life. This could be one way of phrasing my orientation toward life. If, through the way I live I am able to point people to a greater reality (God/Love) then I will have met a personal goal. In my mind this allows for the freedom to be passionate not perfect, human not divine, intentional not regimented, and me not someone else. Could it be that the greatest gift we have to offer the world is ourselves, unabashed and unashamed? I don't mean to suggest that we resign to complacency and mediocrity. Rather that our quest is to uncover our true nature that is hidden in the recesses of the very soul that God whispered into existence and which the Creator holds together. I am not perfect, nor in fact will I strive to be perfect. My primary quest is to be good, to be love, and to be me. I will offer this world, my friends, my family, and my God the only thing that I am able to fully give - me. If it's not enough, I will not apologize because it's all I've got. I can offer unrelenting passion or energy and a ever running mind full of ideas. These may not encompass the entirety of who I am, but as I've been thinking about what I have to offer these two traits definitely bubble to the surface. Some of what I've been thinking lately, or more like my whole life.

I quit

It's annoying to me how inconsistent I've been with blogging lately. One of the things that I set out to get better at in 07 was blogging. One step at a time and this post is moving in that direction I suppose.

So I've quit my job and am now devoting myself full-time to the work of ReIMAGINE. I must tell you that it feels wonderful. There is an overwhelming sense that resonates deep inside that I've made the right move. There have already been a few moments where my mind has taken off into imaginig what the future will look like. Until that time I continue to make small efforts each day that will hopefully propel me in that direction.

Reflecting back on the past 6 or 7 years has been insightful and painful in some ways. Looking back I realize that there was a lack of courage in some ways. I hoped that by talking about things and taking small actions I would pull people around me and together we would embark. While not an entirely silly thought, I realize now that I should have believed enough to take the action alone. Regardless of whether or not people gathered around in the beginning. I think the fear was I didn't want to be doing things alone. Regardless of what could have been, what is, is wonderful and I'm excited to see where it goes.

I have memories all along my life that play in mind. Memories of quiet whispers, and passing thoughts. The theme to them all was a sense that I was supposed to be on the leading edge of God's movement. Riding the adventure there and inviting people into it. The hang up for me was how could I do that full-time? Was that responsible? After years of wrestling with God on what that looks like I've finally shed the necessary lies to live into it, in the current time.

Last night at our gathering I was reminded that of the verse in John "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." How I long to live into that.

twin peaks

With the start of training comes the beginning of exploration. On Sunday I rode around the whole city, embarcadero to chrissy field, accross the Golden Gate Bridge, up to the Marin Headlands, back accross the bridge up through Sea Cliff, down the Great Highway, through Golden Gate Park to the Lower Haight and back the Mission. It was a georgous day full of sunshine and radiance. When I'm on long rides or runs time seems to loose meaning at times and I get lost in the moments. Often when I get back it seems like I lost time or something as if my mind and being left and then came back hours later. It's bizarre, interesting ang telling.

Tonight I ran from my flat up to Twin Peaks and there was a similar experience of loss of time. When I'm able to get beyond the pain in my body I leave this world and am encompassed in my own.

My mind wanders through the threads of my life, relationships, vocation, what God is impressing upon me, where I need to grow, and what I'm going to eat when I get done. My mind is something that is never at rest; something is constantly passing through those synapses. There is a difference though between the mulling that occurs while running, cycling, hiking, etc. than occurs when I'm sedintary. It's seemingly productive when I'm moving and though manifest themselves differently.

Tonight the winds were stirring, as
one after the other my feet struck the ground.
Alone.
Alone, above street lights and city buildings
Alone will always be something I carry
Sometimes in my pocket
others on my back
Tonight the winds are blowing the loneliness all around me
I seek to embrace it, to keep it from being blown onto my back