confronting shadows

(this is not proof-read, so bare with me)

It's as if I looked into his eyes yesterday, not two years ago. And the conversation I had with Hal seems just as fresh. I was on my way home after a Sunday morning breakfast at Boogaloo's when I noticed Hal moving back and forth on the sidewalk in his wheelchair. It was one of those instances where just as soon as you notice someone conversation begins. I could see by his matted brilo salt and pepper hair that he'd been sleeping outside for at least the last few nights. No sooner did I ask how he was doing, than he was telling about his mother who was sick with cancer and reliving childhood memories with me. As he reached into his coat to pull out a pocket sized photo album I caught a glimpse of a frail body that no doubt had been through a lot. Hal spoke with a calm clarity on this particular morning and casually walked me through memory lane. His times of football as a child, his foray into jazz, and how his life had taken some turns that wound him living on the streets. It was here that his tone and demeanor took on a soulful intensity. Intently moving his head closer to mine, his brown tired eyes looking directly in mine, he instructed me “I've been to the dark places” He let those words sit there between us, allowing them to sink in before proceeding any further. With time frozen in this instance, he repeated himself “I've been to the dark places, seen the spirits there.” It's what his eyes told me, and what he didn't say that he really wanted me to understand. He had been there, and being revealed something to him. He went on to make it more explicit, explaining that what had been revealed in that darkness was indeed light.

I believe this is the case for all of us. We all have dark corners of ourselves that we carry with us. Sometimes they get the better of us, sometimes not, but mostly we ignore their existence. We're caught up in life, in to-do lists, and an over booked social life to pay them any attention. If only we would realize that through walking into our shadows we would find healing and light. Ranier Maria Rilke once wrote:

I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood
Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another life that's wide and timeless.

So I am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living root
embrace:

a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.

I love these lines. I believe they speak to a truth about becoming human. Namely, in moving into our darkness, or shadows we not only diffuse any power they have over us, but we also begin to understand the depth of our being. It's in this depth of being that we discover the strength to be with not only the light within but also the dark. Through confronting our shadows we open the door healing and begin to understand the importance of keeping them in the forefront.

There will inevitably be a shock when we first begin the work of looking into our darkness. However, once the initial surprise wears off we'll recognize that the pain we're feeling pails in comparison to the healing that follows. This is a vital component to living artfully. For when we hold the light in one hand and the dark in the other we can now “paint” about life from both directions. We are now able to more fully express the our human experience. In so doing, we demonstrate the freedom that comes from confronting our shadows.